Having never visited the Bahamas and choosing Sandals, Emerald Bay as our first time we were not sure what to expect but made assumptions based on their marketing. That was a mistake but a happy one. It's jarring when you arrive, the expectation and the reality are vastly different. There's a disconnect that pulls your body off-center and prevents your brain from clocking in like it does in your normal space. Your routine is gone. Your familiars are gone. It's a sensory explosion and nothing is anything that you expected, at least not for me. You are traveling back in time when you come to the Caribbean. Nothing runs as you expect and the world slows down to a pace from olden days where your worries drift from the mind and your body lulls to the sounds of the waves.
But being as my brain clocked out, Vince took notes! So below is all he logged while we were there.
Travel Day - Keep the Essentials CLOSE!
Travel in your swimsuit. That's the first rule of Sandals Emerald Bay. That's probably the only rule, really. Our flight landed at 10ish AM (precise times don't matter in the Caribbean). Our room wasn't going to be ready until 3 PM (ish). So our butler coordinator recommended we dig our swimsuits out of our bag and chill by the pool until our butler Roubin (pronounced like the sandwich) came to get us. Yes, I said "our butler." It's an upgrade you can get at Sandals - think of them as your personal concierge instead of your servant. Upon arrival, we were handed a hotel mobile phone to call Roubin (and his team-mates Arielle and Ekron) whenever we had a need. Any need that was not illegal or unreasonable. The term butler has certain connotations that are anachronistic today - perhaps Sandals should rename this their "Personal Concierge" service
Once we were changed, Roubin found a cabana by the beach for us, produced a small red Igloo cooler dubbed "Little Roubin" filled with waters and beers, and let us know to call him for anything. Asides from a brief disturbance by a group of 30-somethings trying to re-live their spring break glory days, the first couple of hours by the ocean were divinely relaxing. We decided to move over to the main hotel pool after a bit and called Roubin to let him know our new location and ask for some lunch. About 45 minutes later, Roubin appeared with a fish sandwich and fries for me, and some fish tacos and fries for Bryne. I was starving, and I like food, so I devoured my sandwich. The fish tacos tasted oddly bland and musty - almost like freshwater fish. Roubin was appalled and tried to get Bryne something else, but she demurred as it was approaching dinner time. Note: the 45-minute wait may seem a little long, but Roubin was also helping about 9 other parties, so we didn't mind the wait knowing he was busting his butler buns.
We arrived at the hotel at around 11 AM. Our room wasn't ready until 3:30 PM. The "forced" pool time meant we were also not formally checked into our room which meant we could not access the guest WIFI. So we were literally forced to unplug and enjoy the water and drinks and butler service for about 4 hours. I had no problem drinking and chilling, but Bryne was on the verge of spazzing out because she couldn't post to IG. When Roubin was finally able to take us to our room, we were pleasantly surprised to find a well-stocked mini-bar with Sands and Kalik beers, waters, juices, and a nice selection of full-sized liquors including Tanqueray, Absolut, Johnny Walker Black, Appleton Estate Rum, and two bottles of Mondavi wines.
Earlier in our tale, we had mentioned "Dinner" and Roubin gave us the low-down on restaurants and reservations, and said, "don't worry - I'll get it taken care of." When our room was ready, we found that Roubin had left us our dinner plan - he had made reservations at the French, Indian, and Italian on-property restaurants for the next three nights with only vague requirements from us. I said to Bryne, "We'd make excellent rich people, " as my reaction to this level of attentive service, and Bryne laughed. When we decided we wanted something a little less formal for that evening's dinner, Roubin took care of canceling the reservations.
We found ourselves at the Drunken Duck - the onsite British Pub. One unexpected positive side-effect of Colonialism's checkered past is that the Bahamians know how to produce a British Pub. The décor and food were spot-on with the fish and chips being some of the best we've had (Bryne is a bit of a Fish and Chips aficionado - I just like to eat). Beers on hand included:
Stella
New Castle
Bass
Kalik (the only draft)
Guinness (bottled)
The whiskeys available were Jack, Makers, Canadian Club, Crown Royal.
Keep in mind this is an all-inclusive resort. So they have to make some sacrifices to make the price of admission palpable. The liquor makes 90% of the world happy enough, so pro-tip - bring a little of your own favorite spirit in your checked bag for your own special moments.
One more thing - I don't like corn chowder - Americans use sweet corn, and sweet soups are not my jam. The corn chowder at the Drunken Duck was delightfully savory and balanced with a touch of onion and carrot and the corn finely pureed. They made me like it.
Day 2 - I May Give up BACON
Bryne and I got up early on Saturday for our boat excursion with Exuma Watersports Tours. I had pre-reserved the Swimming Pigs tour. Because SWIMMING PIGS! We gathered in the lobby about 8 AM, and Roubin was waiting with towels and sandwiches for our excursion. He also, said, "There's apples in there, too - trust me, you're going to need them!"
We piled into our vintage 1970's tour bus and trundled 30 minutes to the waterfront. As we boarded our boat, the business managers' 3-year-old daughter bade us farewell by wildly waving her hand-held twigs in the air. Bryne and I boarded near the rear, so we settled in the last row and serendipitously found ourselves next to the cooler! My hands were in that cooler for many cans of Sands beer for the rest of the morning. Our first stop took us to an island where a farmer had abandoned his farm as well as a colony of pigs. The pigs had heard our boat approaching and were out in force to greet us (I'm fairly sure the greeting was a porcine translation of, "Welcome to our island, now pay the carrot tax!"). Our guide Mazzy showed us how to feed the piggies carefully, and we had a delightful time playing with them, bottle feeding the babies, and just wading around the shallows of the bay. Vardo our first mate let us know that every day even during the pandemic they sailed out to make sure the pigs had fresh water and food. He then emptied several large water jars into their water tanks. These pigs are now semi-feral but still depend on tourists and tour guides for survival.
After an hour or so of piggy interaction, we re-boarded and went to a spot to snorkel. Bryne and I were a little shocked when we dove in and found that we had anchored over a 25-foot blue hole. My mask wasn't tight enough so that's all I've got to say about that.
We then took off and stopped at a small barrier island where the Atlantic meets the Caribbean. Turns out it was an island featured in The Bachelor. This was just a pleasant photo-op/swimming opportunity.
Our last stop was to feed the iguanas - imagine our first stop, but replace pigs with rock iguanas. Hordes of iguanas stormed the beach from the brush in anticipation of the grapes Mazzy handed us. Bryne tried to feed the larger older iguanas because they were often too slow and had their meals snatched by the youngsters. Iguanas are surprisingly cute when you're feeding them. The sandy beaches at this stop were also perfect for wading and wandering around. We also got to hold a few of the iguanas for photos. Note - our guides were very careful to help us handle the animals carefully and properly. They even found and carefully handled a brittle starfish and sea urchin for us to feel and photograph.
It was finally time to head back to Exuma to end our excursion. The breeze made the return trip not only beautiful to behold but also refreshing. On the way, we stopped to pick up a starfish to pass around which we returned to the water and also spied a black-tipped shark speeding past us (probably for lunch).
After our return, we called Roubin who reserved a cabana for us by the Quiet Pool. If the Glory Days Spring Break scene isn't for you at the main pool, there's a nearby oasis of tranquility where you can relax and take a periodic dip. Napping and quick trips to the adjacent bar are also acceptable behavior at this pool. Roubin swung by with some amazing jerk chicken and jerk fish and refills to Little Roubin to supplement our trips to the bar.
We told Roubin that we didn't feel like resort food and wanted something local. He whipped out his personal cell and called a local guide named Patricia to arrange a 6:30 pickup for us in the lobby. He then let us know he was off that evening and would meet us at a place called Shirley's. Roubin had transitioned from being our butler to our personal tour guide. Patricia picked us up at the appointed time and was a delightful tour guide as she took us into Georgetown and what was one of the two ATMs on the island. Most of the local establishments are cash-only. The ATMs dispense both Bahamian and US dollars, and locals will accept either. The Bahamas has pinned their currency to the US dollar, so they're of equal value.
We got to Shirley's a little before Roubin, so we sat down and ordered a Sands and a Kalik. Roubin sat down with us shortly, then asked the server if she could save our seats while we took a quick tour of the area. She looked at him like he had three heads, but he finally persuaded her (he's very charming). So we took our beers and did a quick tour of the surrounding area called The Fish Fry. Shirley's is surrounded by a number of smaller shacks selling local fare. Roubin took us to Rasta Steve's and put in an order for conch salad. Then we swung by another stand and asked for some barracuda. Then we went back to Shirley's while the other places made our other food. Everyone knows Roubin by the way . . . Back at Shirley's Bryne had the conch burger, and I had the Conch Curry. Roubin's fried grouper was also amazing and his side of mac n' cheese was incredible. Everything at Shirley's was incredible - way better than the resort food.
What happened next was magical. Some other staff at Sandals had mentioned that Roubin could sing, so we asked him to sing. So he belted out a couple of songs right in the dining room, which garnered applause from everyone around us - a couple of teenage girls at the next table swooned. On our way out, Roubin spied a birthday girl and told us that he'd catch up in a minute. While we waited outside, he serenaded her for her birthday, too. Be sure to check @TheMossyMuse on IG for a sample of Roubin's talents.
We headed back to Rasta Steve's where our conch salad was still not ready. Rasta Steve does his thing on island time. So we hung out for another 30 minutes while Patricia made her way back to get us and then finally Rasta Steve got us our conch salad to go. Never made it back to get Barracuda.
We slept really well after a day full of adventure on Exuma.
Day 3 - I'm Jelly (not jealous, actual jelly)
Bryne woke up early to get some work done and let me sleep in. When I got up she noted that my perpetual eye-bags were almost gone. She'd asked for coffee and pastries, and our on-shift butler Arielle surprised us with fresh fruit as well. About halfway through my cup, she said that Arielle had set up a beach cabana for us, so we grabbed our stuff and headed down. We noticed a few more bugs out than before and called Arielle to see if she could get some bug repellent from the hotel store and charge it to our room. A few minutes later she appeared with bug spray (that she had on hand - so no charge) and Pina Coladas. The next few hours were basically everything you expect from a beach vacation in the Bahamas. Relaxing, having a few drinks, getting in the ocean every now and then . . . Finally, around 2 we had to go to our spa treatment. We almost canceled it to stay at the beach, but as we were getting ready to pack up, Arielle told us to just leave everything - the cabana was ours for a long as we needed it and just come back when we were done at the spa.
At the spa, Bryne got a coffee scrub and a pedicure while I got a deep-tissue massage. We were both extremely relaxed and wobbly when they were done. My treatment ended before hers, so I made my way back to the beach and had some alone time gazing at the ocean until she rejoined me. I may have had another Kalik while ocean-gazing.
We ended our day at Bombay, the on-property Indian restaurant. The portions are the perfect size to not over-stuff you, and the service and fare are excellent. But Roubin was there again where he serenaded us with another song and blew away the rest of the diners. Bryne suggested another song for him as he was asked to serenade another couple in the restaurant.
Day 4 - What do you do for three hours off-property?
When we landed earlier in the week, our captain sternly announced that "YOU MUST BE CHECKED IN 3 HOURS BEFORE YOUR FLIGHT AND YOU MUST HAVE A COVID TEST 72 HOURS BEFORE YOU RETURN TO THE UNITED STATES."
I said to myself, "They probably do Covid tests at the resort as another amenity. You're not sending all the suburban tourists into town on their own for medical testing. BUT WHAT IN THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR 3 HOURS AT THIS DINKY AIRPORT???"
Well . . . Across the street from the airport is a little place called Kermit's Airport Lounge. Kermit's is a delightfully divey bar and restaurant which is low-key, chill, and the perfect way to while away the time before you leave paradise. I read a couple of reviews on TripAdvisor, and all I can say is that if you don't enjoy Kermit's, you're a tightly wound nouveau riche twit. The beers are $5, and you can have Kalik, Sands, Guinness, and a few others. It's pricey, but you'd pay twice as much anywhere else, and that's actually a good deal considering Kermit's monopoly at the airport. They've got a little food stand in the back where we had two orders of the fried fish-fingers. These aren't Mrs. Paul grade fish-fingers, but more like fresh snapper nuggets. Really tender and perfectly seasoned and breaded. The rice and peas weren't as good as Shirley's, but the potato salad - again perfectly seasoned with a touch of onion and relish. Double Bonus - Kermit's has WIFI (and is where most of this post was written).
5 or 6 beers and two orders of food later we walked out to go back to the airport and wait by the gate. We were SOOO glad we checked in before heading to Kermit's - the line was out the door. Once you get past security there are two small shops inside the airport that sell some drinks and snacks including beef patties. The network connection for these shops is a little spotty so they can't always accept credit cards - make sure you have a little cash just in case. The seating area is limited, and there were two flights departing close together, so the waiting area got crowded. But you know what? I didn't care because I was still relaxed from Kermit's.
Lessons Learned
Have some patience. Island time is real, and the staff at the resort are helping a LOT of guests over a very large property. If you call your butler, he/she may be on the other side of the hotel and may have had 2 or 3 requests come in before you called them. They're really doing their best, and they're so incredibly polite and helpful.
Don’t be afraid to leave your resort - the island needs tourism to survive, so it's in everyone's best interest to make sure you're happy. Explore George Town, go to Shirley's. See what's in the Bahamas, not just at your resort.
If you're a foodie, definitely leave the resort. Sample the local fare because the resort food is . . . safe. Bland even. Boring maybe.
Schedule your return Covid test as soon as you get to the resort. The front desk will help you with everything.
If you're planning to eat on property - have a plan and make your reservations in advance.
Bring or obtain insect repellent. Depending on the day and the weather, you'll either have no insects out, or you'll get devoured. This is really the worst thing we experienced and is easy to avoid.
Sunscreen, sunscreen, sunscreen...
Some photos from our trip (and a wee video too)...
Comments